


when the time is right (out of joint)

by danveresque



Series: all the lives we/never lived [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 01:49:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21007724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danveresque/pseuds/danveresque
Summary: Aaron and Robert broke apart to see Chrissie standing by the barn door with Katie next to her. Katie looked like she’d won the lottery. Chrissie just looked devastated. Aaron sat up slowly, pulling on his hoodie, Robert remaining stock still and speechless. Some might have called this bad timing, but a part of Aaron wondered if this hadn't been timed perfectly for all involved.





	when the time is right (out of joint)

They hadn’t even been at it when they got caught. Aaron was laid out on their makeshift bed of hay bales, wearing everything but his hoodie and jacket. He’d been getting dressed when Robert went for him again, kissing him hard and sending him toppling back down, climbing on top, all suited and smarmy.

“I thought you had to go,” Aaron murmured. His hands were tentative and light on Robert’s biceps. No point getting comfortable. Robert could leave at any second.

It was easy to believe he wouldn’t though as Robert was wearing one of his tilted smiles, laced with something that reached deep into Aaron’s chest and curled soft around his heart. “Rather be here with you.”

Aaron wished Robert wouldn’t do that. He wished Robert wouldn’t look at him like he was worth something. He wished Robert wouldn’t say things that made Aaron felt wanted. Robert wasn’t his. No matter how much he wanted it.

A shuddering gasp broke their perfect bubble.

Aaron and Robert broke apart to see Chrissie standing by the barn door with Katie next to her. Katie looked like she’d won the lottery. Chrissie just looked devastated. Aaron sat up slowly, pulling on his hoodie, Robert remaining stock still and speechless. Some might have called this bad timing, but a part of Aaron wondered if this hadn't been timed perfectly for all involved.

Chrissie turned on her heel and thundered out. Robert finally moved, like a machine that remembered how it was supposed to work. Katie just stood there, smiling. Happiest day of her life it must have been. Robert left, shoving past her without a look. Aaron just stared at her, his heart racing a million miles an hour.

“You’ll thank me one day,” she said quietly. “You can do better than someone like him.”

Aaron grabbed his jacket and left too, leaving her to gloat in peace.

## *

He went back to the pub a nervous wreck. His mum knew something was wrong immediately, but before he could even get her away from the bar, in flew Chrissie, striding towards Aaron and slapping him hard across the face, Robert stopping in his tracks behind his fiance, looking stunned.

“Oi! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Chas yelled.

“Do they know?” Chrissie asked tearfully, ignoring Chas. “That you’ve been having an _affair_ with my fiance?”

His mum’s mouth dropped open and unusual for her, no words came out as she realised the reason for the slap. Aaron said nothing. All he could do was take it. Chrissie wasn’t in the wrong after all. A slap was probably the least bad thing he was going to get out of this.

“That’s right,” Chrissie said, turning to look at the pub audience eating up the drama like it was a pack of nuts. “My fiance, the man I _loved_, has been shacking up with…_him_. Well, good news for you both. You don’t need to sneak around anymore. He’s all yours.”

She turned to leave, stopping for a moment to glare at Robert who quietly implored, “Chrissie. Please.”

“Don’t come back,” she told him. “We are _through_.”

He followed her out though whilst Aaron stood there with his cheek stinging hot, Chrissie’s words still hanging in the air. He looked around the pub, caught sight of the observers, and finally walked away from the bar and into the back, Chas hot on his heels.

“Aaron,” his mum said, sounding exasperated, as he sat there on the sofa, silent and simmering. “Please. _Please_ tell me this is not true.”

Paddy, good cop as ever, took a seat and leaned forward in his chair. “Aaron. Mate. Why _him_?”

Aaron glared at him through a haze of heated tears. How was he supposed to say that it had started out as lust and turned into something more without Aaron even realising? All he knew was that one moment he wanted Robert with his body, and the next he’d wanted him with every part of his hungry heart.

## *

The next morning a loud commotion brought him back down the stairs to hear Diane and his mum arguing about Robert staying at the pub. His heart leapt. Chrissie and Robert were done, maybe things could be different. Only, when he saw Robert, his new housemate was sitting at the table, glaring into space, before he turned his angry gaze on Aaron.

Aaron nodded, quietly asking, “You alright?”

“Alright?” Robert asked tightly. “She’s chucked me out. My life is pretty much _over_. Does it look like I’m alright?”

Fine, _prat, _Aaron thought, he understood. Being outed had felt like the end of the world for him too once, at least Robert was still breathing.

“I know this is hard, Robert, but maybe it’s for the best. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not.”

Robert was out of his seat, a dark cloud looming over Aaron, lightning about to strike. “And what’s that?”

“You’re gay, Robert. _Gay_,” Aaron grit out.

“I am not gay!” Robert yelled, sounding like his voice was about to break. “I love Chrissie. And I’m going to marry her. This is just a setback, nothing else.”

Aaron had left it at that. He’d walked away, disgusted with Robert, disgusted with himself for _still_ wanting Robert.

## *

He saw Robert day in and day out, sulking in the pub, crawling under Aaron’s skin without saying a single word. Their eyes would meet, and Robert would give him that old look: _upstairs, outside, I need to see you_. Aaron shook it off. He was done with Robert. Done with being a secret. When he came by the scrapyard, Robert was just a shadow to him. Just something he vaguely noticed-

“Ughhh!” Aaron looked from his desk to Adam as the door shut, frowning at his friend. “Mate. You twos are doing me head in. He’s moping around Vic all the time. You’re over here staring at his backside whenever he walks in. You ever think of just maybe sorting things out between ya?”

“I told you. Me and him are done,” Aaron said.

Adam rolled his eyes. “You’re a grade A muppet is what you are.”

Aaron ignored him, scowling at his stationary instead. After a while he had to ask, “Still flapping about Chrissie, is he?”

“Andy’s wedding,” Adam said. “Andy’s asked him to come, but he doesn’t want to go because of Katie. Vic’s upset, which means my life is a misery.”

Aaron frowned. “Andy’s asked him to the wedding? I thought they hated each other.”

Adam shrugged. “Vic said they had some big brotherly heart to heart. Robert’s still being a complete prat obviously. He’s gotten all bent out of shape about the wedding rings. Not like he’ll be needing them. That ship’s sailed mate.”

With that nugget of gold, Adam announced lunch.

## *

They ate in the Woolpack, Aaron half-listening to Adam and then not listening at all when Robert walked into the pub and straight into the back. Aaron took a few minutes before making an excuse and bee-lining for the back too. Robert was on the phone when he walked in.

“Yeah, if you can inscribe them...” He stopped when he saw Aaron, jaw clenching. “Uh. You know what, I’ll call you back. Something’s come up.”

“What you doing?” Aaron asked. Robert said nothing, stubbornly staring him out. “_Robert_. What are you doing?”

After a quiet moment of frustrated silence, Robert said, “My dad’s ring. Diane’s just gone and given it to Andy and Kate, and they’re having them melted down to make two rings. _My _dad’s rings. Not for his real son. No, for the bloke who killed my mum, and the woman who ruined my life.”

The words came out strained, pitched high with emotion. Robert looked a wreck. Aaron’s voice was soft when he asked, “So you were gonna get them inscribed. With what?”

“What I think of them,” Robert bit out.

Aaron looked at him standing there, alone but for his rage. He shook his head. “You know, I really thought maybe underneath all that smarmy arrogance, there’s a bloke who’s a bit alright, someone who does actually care about something other than just himself. Turns out I was wrong, because Robert only loves Robert, and if you can’t be happy, then neither can anyone else.”

“This isn’t about being happy,” Robert said. “It’s about what’s fair.”

“No, Robert. It’s about Katie wrecking your marriage before it even started, and you trying to ruin her wedding out of spite,” Aaron snapped. “It’s pathetic. Grow up.”

With that, they parted ways. Again. It’s what they did now. Ships that sniped in the night.

## *

The wedding came around. The rings came out. Robert was sitting there with Diane and Vic, watching with a look on his face that was so murderous it made Aaron roll his eyes. Andy and Katie got married. It was pretty uneventful. Probably. Aaron had spent most of his time watching Robert.

“What happened?” Aaron sat down opposite Robert at a small corner table, away from the epicentre of the wedding celebrations in the pub. Robert arched a brow at Aaron, looking sullen. “The rings.”

“They don’t need me to make a fool of them. I’m sure they’re quite capable of doing that all by themselves,” Robert said, before taking a gulp of his pint.

Aaron nodded. “Nice. Put that in your wedding card did ya?”

Robert snorted. “You had a pop at me. I listened. Alright? End of.”

“Why?” Aaron asked with a frown. “Why would you care what I think?”

Robert gave him a look. “I care when you think I’m some pathetic loser who just wants to ruin a wedding because I didn’t get mine.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Aaron said quietly, regretfully.

“Yeah, but you said it,” Robert said. He got up, a scowl twisting his features. “I’m done here. Have fun.”

Aaron was left with his mouth opening to call out after Robert, but Robert was gone, the door swinging shut behind him.

“What’s he up to now?” Aaron blew out a breath before he looked at Katie who despite being newly wed seemed to have all the time in the world to see what Robert was up to.

Aaron got up, shaking his head. “Why don’t you just leave it? He’s done with you. Can’t you do the same?”

“You have no idea what he’s like-” Katie started.

“Well, considering I was the other half of the affair he was having, I’d say I have a good idea,” Aaron said. “You broke him and Chrissie up, you got what you wanted, so how about you leave it alone now?”

Katie looked offended but said nothing, giving him a stiff nod and returning to the party.

## *

Robert didn’t come back. Aaron found him later, swigging straight from a bottle, his suit and tie doing nothing to distract from the mess of him.

Aaron went to him, slipping under an arm and holding him up as he tilted dangerously. “What are you doing?”

“Aaron,” he slurred, scowling at him.

“Come on, let’s get you inside,” Aaron said, trying to coordinate Robert's useless limbs. “Look at the state of ya.”

“It’s been a rough couple of days,” Robert said miserably.

Inside, Aaron dropped Robert on the sofa before getting him a glass of water. He put the kettle on too to get some coffee into the drunken idiot. He handed him the glass and sat down next to Robert, only to have to take the glass back when Robert moved too fast, sloshing the water over the rim.

He scowled at Aaron, asking, “Do you ever think about the future?”

Aaron shrugged. “No.”

“I do,” Robert said. He looked scared when he confessed, “and it scares me, being alone.”

Aaron took a long look at Robert, winding his memory back to that moment where they were caught out. Aaron had thought he might finally have Robert for himself, but Robert had remained within touching distance, and yet out of reach. He’d thought about the future for a second then, before it had just seemed to disappear like smoke in a breeze.

Robert was tilting forward, his mouth pressing against Aaron’s in a clumsy kiss. It shouldn’t have made Aaron feel anything, a drunken press of lips to lips, but he’d missed Robert and he knew given half a chance he’d have Robert back in a shot. It scared the hell out of him.

“Robert,” Aaron said hoarsely, gentle pushing him away. “Don’t.”

Robert looked crestfallen, nodding sadly. “You hate me. I get it. I don’t blame ya.”

“I don’t,” Aaron said, too quickly. “I don’t hate ya. I just…I wish you could stop hating who you are.”

The conversation dwindled. Robert managed a cup of coffee before Aaron helped him up the stairs. Robert seemed functional enough to use the loo and lose his blazer and shoes. But once he dropped on the duvet of his bed, it seemed he had exhausted all his energy, lying there with open waistcoat and un-tucked shirt. He looked at Aaron, blinking heavily and reaching out.

“Stay,” he said.

“That’s not a good idea,” Aaron said, wanting so badly to go to him.

Robert gave him a pitiful look. “Please?”

Well, that made all the difference didn’t it? Robert being all eyes and mouth, sincere and soft. In a shot, that’s how quick Aaron would have him back, that’s what he was thinking as he lay there next to Robert, watching him sleep.

## *

He woke up with Robert wrapped around him, holding him close. It felt good to feel the press of Robert’s body again. Aaron’s nerves seemed to sing with gratitude. It was too much and he slipped from Robert’s hold and bed, making his way to the door quietly.

“I love you,” Robert said quietly.

Aaron turned around and stared at him. Robert looked like he wasn’t going to elaborate. Aaron frowned and managed to mumble, “Since when?”

Robert swallowed, just staring at Aaron. He’s such a liar, Aaron thought, whatever comes out of his gob is going to be the opposite of the truth. “Dunno.”

_I love you too_, Aaron wanted to say, but all he could think of was Robert yelling in his face, _I’m not gay! _Aaron nodded, turning to leave.

“I mean it,” Robert called out. Aaron turned to frown at him. Robert looked...like he did when Chrissie found them. Afraid. Like his world was on fire. His voice was unsteady when he said, “I mean it. I love ya.”

_I love you too_, it was right on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he nodded and quietly told Robert he believed him with a soft, “Okay.”

## *

Aaron barely saw him during the next week, and by the end of it he had moved into the B&B. Aaron had been headed to his bedroom when he saw the door to Robert’s room open. He looked inside and found all his stuff gone. He went back downstairs to find his mum looking shifty. Or shifti_er _than usual.

“Where’s Robert?” he asked her.

“He’s gone, love,” she said with typical Chas finality. “He can’t stay here forever.”

“His mum does own half the pub,” Aaron pointed out.

“Right, and _your_ mum is looking out for you,” she told him.

Aaron stared at her, anger rushing through him and leaving every muscle tight. “What did you do?”

She shook her head in denial before her expression clenched into frustration and she said, “I told him to leave.”

“You what?” Aaron let out a laugh, shaking his head with disbelief. “His whole life’s collapsed around his ears.”

“Oh he’s hardly on the street, is he?” Chas said. Aaron opened his mouth to complain, but his mum cut him off with, “I am not having him here making eyes at you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. He is _no_ good for you, Aaron!”

“And you’ve got great taste in blokes, haven’t you?” Aaron said, achieving a shut mouth and shocked look on Chas’s face. “You know, he didn’t have that affair all by himself. I made a choice to be with him. Because I _wanted_ him. Because I-”

Aaron had stopped, those words again, so eager to escape him. Chas was staring at him. “What? Because you what? He _used_ you, Aaron. You can do _better_.”

She moved towards him, reaching for him, but Aaron shook his head and took a quick step back, swiping at the tickle of heat on his cheek and seeing the smear of a tear on his hand.

“Don’t,” he told her, turning to leave.

“Stay away from him, Aaron. I mean it!”

She sounded desperate. She had good reason, because he was at the B&B within minutes, knocking on Robert’s door. Robert called out ‘come in!’ and Aaron stepped inside to find him sitting up on his bed, legs stretched out and laptop balanced on his lap. His products were already on the dresser, his bags out of sight which meant his clothes were hung up in the small wardrobe. Christ, Aaron thought, was that the actual extent of Robert’s world?

“What you doing here?” Robert asked, frowning at him.

“Me mum told me what happened,” Aaron said. He stood there awkwardly, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry, she had no right to do that.”

Robert smiled slightly. That was a shock. Aaron couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Robert smile. “She’s your mum, Aaron. Pretty sure she thinks she has the right to do whatever she wants when it comes to you. Anyway, it’s probably a good idea I don’t stay there.”

“Why?” Aaron asked, the question sounding like an accusation even to his own ears. “That’s how it works is it? You tell me you love me, and then you walk out?”

Robert looked away, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, the glare of his laptop making his eyes seem brighter than normal. Aaron went to sit down on the edge of the bed, hurt when saw the way Robert flinched bodily, giving Aaron a startled look.

“You said you meant it,” Aaron said quietly.

Robert nodded. “I did. I do. But what now? I just stay there do I? You down the hall, your mum breathing down my neck, everyone around you on high alert like they think I’m gonna pounce on you any second?”

Aaron laughed at that, and when he looked up Robert was grinning at him, his eyes looking as though they were just drinking in the sight before them. _I love you_, Aaron thought quietly.

“What you doing?” Aaron nodded to the laptop. Robert twisted the laptop around so Aaron could see the email displayed across the screen. He read it, letting the words sink in. “You’ve got a job in Leeds?”

“Nope,” Robert said. “I’ve got a second interview in Leeds. Had the first one by Skype.”

“Right,” Aaron said, struck by the skittering panic in his chest. “Good?”

Robert made a non-committal face and shrugged. “Project Manager, can do it in my sleep. Boring, but the money’s good. I’d only have to check into head office once or twice a week, the rest is mostly remote working, with a bit of travel thrown in. Gotta do something now that me and Home Farm are officially done. Chrissie knows about the break in by the way.”

Aaron stared. “What? How?”

“She’s smart. She figured it out. Invited me over for a little chat actually and then pretended she was going to burn down a barn with me in it,” Robert said. He widened his eyes. “Dramatic.”

Aaron sat dumbstruck. Everyone knew about the fire that killed Sarah Sugden. He didn’t want to think of Robert wondering if fate had decided he’d go the same way.

“Don’t worry, I kept your name out of it. Not that she can prove anything. Besides, she’s got bigger problems with that moron ex of hers hanging about. Like she said, I’m the least of her problems now.”

Aaron didn’t look at Robert as he asked, “Is that good or bad then?”

Robert sighed, tapping at his laptop. “It is what it is.”

“And what’s that?” Aaron asked.

Robert looked up at him and said with Chas-like finality, “Over.”

## *

Robert got the job. Of course he did. It wasn’t what he really wanted. Every time Aaron saw him he was sitting there in front of his laptop either in the pub or the cafe, looking put upon or annoyed. They kept passing each other, ships that smiled in the night, Robert in a hurry or Aaron on his way to the scrapyard. This doesn’t feel like being loved, Aaron thought one night as he sat in the pub, watching Robert drink a pint at the bar.

“Oi. You even listening?” Adam complained.

He wasn’t. Chrissie had walked in and ordered a glass of wine. Robert was eyeing her and she was pointedly ignoring him. He spoke to her then and and she gave him a reply that looked blunt. Robert held his hands up in surrender and she stared at him for a moment before she seemed to sag. She looked away, speaking, Robert listening intently. They spent the next ten minutes in conversation, Chrissie listening closely as Robert spoke, his hands and fingers moving along with his mouth.

Aaron was at the bar when Chrissie said, sounding reluctant, “Thank you. It’s very unlike you to give anything away without an ulterior motive.”

“Consider it a freebie,” Robert said getting up and downing the last dregs of his pint. “Next time all consulting fees apply though.”

Chrissie snorted, “There won’t be a next time.”

She was gone. Then he was gone. Only Aaron was there with Adam complaining about when that next pint was coming, and Chas was staring at Aaron, having witnessed the whole conversation. It was predictable that she would turn up later to ask him questions.

## *

He was sitting in the back, staring at a dead TV, when Chas floated in, stopping at the end of the sofa. “You alright, love?” He nodded silently. “I thought maybe-”

“What?” Aaron said. “You thought maybe I saw Chrissie and Robert together and was going to have a breakdown?”

“_No_. Maybe. Oh…I don’t know, love. I just know that...I don’t want him to hurt you,” she said, sounding defeated.

Aaron got up and told her, with Chas-like finality, “He won’t.”

“Wait, where are you going?” she said.

“I’m gonna go for a run,” he said.

“It’s late,” Chas said, looking worried.

“Mum,” he said. “I’m fine. Really.”

He wasn’t, not really. It took bone tiredness, aching feet, and the breath in his lungs beginning to struggle for him to feel anywhere near fine. The sight of Robert and Chrissie together was all it had taken to shake his belief in Robert’s so-called love for him. But what did it even matter? He and Robert weren’t together. They were less than whatever they had been before.

He got back to the pub a sweat-drenched mess of wheezing and shaking. He’d overdone it, he knew. He also knew he had to put a stop now before it became a habit, but already he was craving the freedom of running away from it all. In the distance, there was happy laughter. He watched as Andy and Katie walked into the pub, arm in arm, besotted with each other.

Dark thoughts about who deserved happiness and who didn’t poked at Aaron’s mind, but he shook them away. When he and Robert had been sneaking around, he’d often twisted wrong into right, just so he could justify his place in Robert’s bed. Sometimes it was hard, but he still managed to do it, to find a way to make it all seem okay. Once the word _love_ had entered his mind, well, what bigger reason could there ever be?

## *

Robert hadn’t mentioned the L word again, not since after Katie’s wedding. When they bumped into each other, they made torturous small talk, both of them tense as if someone might catch them out. They’d been more reckless when they _had_ been carrying on with each other. Not that it mattered. They were yesterday’s news. Adam, being the mate he was, had managed to get Vanessa knocked up, ruining his and Vic’s moving in shindig and managing to kick start a number of new cock-ups.

Aaron was in the pub when Robert came back from a work trip and found out, Diane explaining everything in her usual fashion where everything no matter how serious sounded like nothing more than trivial gossip. Robert looked livid, and as fate would have it, that was when Andy and Katie walked in, Katie’s face souring as soon as she spotted Robert.

“Did you know about Vic?” Robert asked Andy.

“About her being charged?” Andy said, sighing. “Yeah. I wanted to call you, but she said she didn’t want you to worry.”

“Well, at least there’s some good news,” Katie said. “She and Adam are engaged. Can’t wait to see them tie the knot. I do love a wedding.”

“You what?” Robert said, looking like he was going to throttle her.

Katie started to say something, spit more fuel onto the fire, but Andy stopped her. “Give it a rest, Katie. My sister’s in trouble. If she’s not back in time for her hearing, she could go to prison.”

She looked a little regretful, but was good enough to give Robert the evil eye all the same before heading to the bar, leaving Robert and Andy in intense conversation. Aaron got his phone out of his pocket and texted both Vic and Adam. He didn’t fancy their chances with the Sugden brothers joining forces.

He snuck out and met them at the scrapyard before they disappeared together, Andy and Robert arriving about twenty minutes too late, full of demands and questions. It felt good to have Robert standing there growling at him. It seemed to ignite the air with something that had been dormant for a while. Robert promised he’d be back and Aaron would be in trouble. Good, Aaron thought. He was due a little bit of Robert trouble.

## *

Aaron found Robert lounging in the portacabin. He had that ‘up to something’ look about him. They did a little dance of barbed words for a minute or two before Robert got up and decided to leave. Aaron got up and blocked his way. Robert stood there looking down at him. They were an inch apart, but Aaron could feel it, that distance Robert had established. It made Aaron want to smack him in the mouth. All the reasons to stop sneaking about were gone, and yet, here was Robert not taking a hint.

“Got things to do,” Robert said quietly.

Then he was gone, leaving Aaron stood scowling, wondering w_hat kind of love is this?_ Robert went ahead and threw himself into finding Vic, walking around the village with a clenched look about him the whole time. His face seemed to stay that way right up to the moment he walked through the doors and caught the end of Adam and Vic’s wedding ceremony. Aaron heading towards him, stopping him before he could say a single word to ruin it all.

“It’s done, alright? It’s done. They’re not going on the run. They just…they just love each other and want to be together. Try not to ruin your sister’s wedding day.”

Robert looked at Aaron and it was like being months back, alone in a barn, something about to happen, the way Robert’s gaze seem to go right through him. Then Robert was looking at his tearful sister, Vic imploring him with her eyes to be understanding. He went to her and when she hugged him it seemed he could do nothing else but hug her back.

“Hurt my sister, and I _will _kill ya,” Robert told Adam. Adam nodded, smart enough to keep his trap shut for the moment.

Vic didn’t go to prison for knocking down Ashley, getting the equivalent of a slap on the wrist. She got an impromptu wedding reception at the Woolie too, during which Robert sat at the table he seemed to have reserved purely for wedding-related sulks.

“You alright?” Aaron placed a fresh pint in front of him and sat down opposite. Robert gave him a look filled with unspoken and scathing remarks about Adam. Aaron scowled at him. “You know, he happens to be a top bloke.”

“That why Vanessa’s having his baby is it?”

“He made a mistake. He loves _Vic_,” Aaron said.

“Very understanding of you,” Robert said with a smarmy smile.

“You know what, forget it,” Aaron said. He picked up his pint and disappeared into the back of the pub, where he could scowl and drink in peace.

## *

Aaron kind of wished Robert had followed him after Adam and Vic’s wedding reception to make it up to him, make it better, make _something _happen. But he didn’t. He was doing whatever the hell it was Robert was doing these days, and they went back to their strange friendship, passing each other in the village, sharing a pint side by side, small talk, banter, Aaron constantly watching Robert walk away when he wanted him to stay.

“Please tell me you’re not still pining after him,” Katie said, catching him ogling Robert as he walked off towards the loos.

Aaron glared at her. “You ever think of maybe minding your own business?”

She gave him a look as if he was crazy, picking up her G&T and taking it to a table. Robert came back in with Andy in tow, both of them laughing about something. Katie was watching with suspicion, looking about as subtle as a bull in a china shop.

“What’s this?” she asked sweetly, though it came off as anything but sweet.

“Robert here’s gonna help me out with the auger tomorrow,” Andy said, clapping a hand on Robert’s shoulder.

“I bet he is,” Katie said. Aaron shook his head.

She just couldn’t help it. It was going to be no surprise when Robert would say something offensive in return. And here it was, his mouth opening.

“Look, I’ve got some work to finish. I’ll see you bright and early, yeah?” Robert gave Andy a clap on the shoulder and left with that.

Andy smiled, looking so happy it was impossible not to feel happy for him. Katie on the other hand looked as if her G&T had instantly turned to piss and water.

“What are you smiling about?” Aaron looked to his mum who was standing on the other side of the bar, watching him with narrowed eyes. He shrugged at her, hiding behind his pint.

## *

Robert hadn’t known Andy enlisted Aaron’s help too. He seemed pleasantly surprised, unlike Aaron’s mum who looked like she was going to blow her top as soon as she found out Aaron had spent a whole day in the presence of Robert Flaming Sugden. It meant that on the second day they had Paddy flitting about watching their every move. He was thoroughly unimpressed when Aaron and Robert left together for the portacabin.

“So…what we doing in here then?” Robert asked, their casual chit-chat exhausted. He was leaning against the door, looking at Aaron with a touch of caution in his eyes.

“We’re not hiding,” Aaron said with a shrug. “Just gonna have a beer.”

“Away from Paddy and your mum?” Robert asked.

“And anyone else who gets on my nerves, yeah,” Aaron said, nervous energy thrumming under his skin.

“Yeah, he was really on your case today,” Robert said with a nod. “Worried is he?”

“He reckons me and you are gonna get it back on,” Aaron said.

“Yeah?” Robert asked, his gaze dipping to Aaron’s mouth.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, moving in close and swooping right in for a kiss.

God it felt good. The last time he’d kissed Robert they’d been in that barn, just before Katie brought Robert’s world crashing down. Since then, all he had were the memories of Robert’s mouth on him, memories for those nights when he had his hand moving desperate on his dick, trying to recall the heat of Robert’s mouth, the sensation of his lips. To have Robert here, like this, tasting of beer, smelling of some poncy shower gel mixed in with clean sweat, it was enough to fuel a million new fantasies.

Robert’s hand was on his chest, gently pushing him away. When they pulled apart, Robert said, “Why don’t we have that beer?”

Aaron stepped back, hurt. “Don’t…don’t you want me anymore?”

“Of course I do,” Robert said, voice sticking as he spoke. “Don’t think I could stop if I tried.”

“Then…then what is all this? You and Chrissie are over. You’ve got nothing stopping you anymore,” Aaron said, feeling the pain of rejection stinging his eyes, heating his cheeks. “You say you love me, but-”

“I do,” Robert said, jaw clenching. “I love you.”

“Then what is it? What’s stopping ya-”

“I don’t want to be like this!” Robert snapped. “You think just because Chrissie walked into a pub and humiliated me in front of half the village, it just makes it alright? Yeah, I love you. But, falling in love with you…it’s…”

Aaron felt tremors across his face, tears rolling down his cheeks. He swallowed, asking, “What?”

Robert grimaced, shaking his head. His voice was unsteady when he said, “It ruined my life, Aaron.”

Robert pushed away from the door, their bodies momentarily colliding before he was opening the door and leaving, Aaron stood there speechless. Paddy turned up about twenty minutes later to find Aaron sitting behind his desk, staring at nothing.

“You alright?” he asked carefully. “Where’s Robert? Thought I saw him leave with you.”

“Don’t worry,” Aaron said roughly. “Nothing happened. You can tell mum, have a little celebration if you like.”

“Aaron,” Paddy said quietly. “We’re just looking out for you.”

“I can look out for myself fine thanks,” Aaron said, ending the conversation by getting up and leaving.

## *

He avoided his mum back at the pub, went straight up the stairs, changing into his running gear, straight to the woods where he ran and ran and ran. There was plenty to run from. He was sick and tired of Katie and that satisfied look on her face, that stony reaction on Robert’s. He was sick and tired of his mum and Paddy mother-henning him to death. He was sick of Robert.

_Sick of him_ he thought, his feet pounding the ground harder and faster, the breath in his lungs feeling razor sharp. His mind, never his friend, just wouldn’t let up with thoughts of Robert. Thoughts of those early days, that tension bubbling under the surface until Robert finally kissed him. That first time in the garage. The next time right there in the pub, in Aaron’s bedroom.

That Robert, the one Aaron got all to himself, was so unburdened. He coaxed and cajoled, he replaced his smirks with soft smiles. Aaron had become addicted to him before he could even tell it was happening.

_Sick of him_, he thought, his foot coming down hard, slipping from beneath him and sending him tumbling. It took a while for him to surface from his haze of pain to realise his foot was stuck and something was wrong with his ankle, an excruciating pain and numbness spreading up into his leg.

It was hard to think of anything but the pain for a while, so he’d achieved something at least. But before long his awkward position was becoming even more uncomfortable. He held his breath and tried to pull his foot free. It worked, sending him tumbling further, until something stopped him with a bash to the head, turning everything black.

## *

When he came to, he was still in pain, but now freezing too. He couldn’t even curl up properly, his entire body feeling stiff. If he died here like this, his mum would probably kill Robert. At this point though, she was looking for the flimsiest reasons to off him, thanks to Katie’s regular sessions at the bar. How Robert had become the boogie man despite royally messing up his life was actually a bit funny, and Aaron might even have laughed about it if he wasn’t lying here a victim of his own stupidity.

It wouldn’t be too bad, he wondered dazedly, if he just died. It wasn’t the first time in his life he’d thought about death as a solution to his problems. All those thoughts and all those feelings that kept his mind spinning like a hamster wheel, they’d all just stop, wouldn't they? Everything would just come to a blissful stop. It was why Jackson had decided on dying. Living got hard, and dying was the easiest way out.

Aaron’s eyes filled with tears, and he let out a quiet sob. An idiot was Jackson. He hadn’t even tried. He hadn’t even given it a chance. Just decided he’d had enough, and like a bigger idiot, Aaron had gone along with it. Why couldn’t he have been stronger? _Hope you’re happy now_, Aaron thought at the woods, at the sky, at wherever it was the dead went. How could he do it? How could Jackson love Aaron and make him do something like that? _What kind of love is that?_

Aaron shuddered, sniffing back more tears. He didn’t feel so angry at Robert. He just missed him. Just wanted him. And as pathetic as he knew it was, he just wanted a space in Robert’s life that belonged just to him. If they could go back to Robert being engaged, go back to sneaking around, go back to have their secrets, Aaron would be fine with it, if it meant getting whatever he could of Robert.

He drifted into sleep, dreaming strange dreams, waking when the temperature dipped and the sun had gone down, night-time noises making him shake with more than cold. He thought he saw shadowy shapes looming at his feet, creeping close in the dead of night. He closed his eyes and shook, thinking mad things like _Robert’ll find me, somehow, he’ll come find me._ There was a cruel and deep voice in his head which laughed and retorted that no one would even notice if he disappeared, he wasn’t worth the bother.

When he heard his mum’s shrill voice having a pop at someone, it seemed a little too bizarre even for a dream. He somehow managed to call out, using up what was left of his energy. Next thing he knew, his mum was by his side, making it all better just by being his mum. She wasn’t alone though. Robert was right there, and all of a sudden, it was only Robert’s voice he could hear.

“Robert…” _I knew you’d come. _Did he say that out loud? It didn’t matter, he could feel Robert’s hands on him, large and warm, his voice low and soft. _I love you. _“Robert.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Robert promised. “Trust me.”

Those weren’t really words that suited Robert, but somehow Aaron decided he’d believe them all the same. Robert had a way of making the improbable seem plausible. That was the liar in him. But…maybe things could be okay.

## *

“Doctor says you were lucky,” his mum said with a little smile, hovering at the end of his bed. “Could have been much worse.”

Neither Paddy nor his mum were having a pop at him, so already things seemed a bit okay. They were watching him carefully though.

Chas looked him, unable to hide her worry. “You’d tell me if something was bothering you, wouldn’t you?”

“Like what?” he asked.

“I dunno,” she said with a shake of her head. “Whatever it is that might have you running the way you’ve been lately?”

He scowled at her. “Mum, leave it.”

“Aaron. You could have died last night,” Paddy said. “If this is just another way of self-harming-”

“I’m not,” Aaron snapped. “Okay? I swear, I’m not. Just leave it.”

They did, for about five seconds. But then Chas said, “You even had Robert Sugden worried. Should have seen the state of him.”

Aaron didn’t say anything, turning his gaze inward, away from his mum’s prying eyes. He didn’t have to look to see Chas and Paddy sharing glances, communicating in their weird silent way.

“Still don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, of course,” Chas said. “I’d hazard a guess in fact that he probably has a hand in why you’re laid up here. Back on is it?”

“No,” Aaron snapped. “It’s not.”

“Wouldn’t know from the way he was carrying on,” Chas said. “He’s no good for you, love. Look at the state of you. This is what being in love with that man does.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” Aaron grated out. “He’s what _kept_ me going. I could’ve just given up, but I didn’t. Because of _him_.”

Chas was clearly shocked, Paddy remaining quiet. She left to get coffee, leaving Aaron and Paddy alone. It was an old trick of hers, leaving Aaron with the good cop. Not that there was much to spill.

“I thought if everyone knew the truth, he’d choose me,” Aaron said quietly, not looking at Paddy. “But it doesn’t matter. He says he loves me, but he hates what he is. So it doesn’t matter, does it? Doesn’t matter that everyone knows.”

“Aaron,” Paddy said gently. “You can’t expect him to love you, if he doesn’t even love himself. Maybe it’s time you moved on. You’re hurting yourself. That’s not love. Is it?”

“It is what it is,” Aaron muttered.

They left eventually, having exhausted their sermons on why Robert was the worst thing since evil was invented. _Once a cheater, always a cheater,_ his mum had said, dragging up Katie and Robert’s past.

“Because you’d never do anything like that,” Aaron had said, his mum’s face twisting into a sour expression.

No, that was different, apparently.

## *

Aaron had felt exhausted, drifting into sleep. When he woke up it was to find Robert slumped in the chair next to his bed, a miserable look on his face. Aaron blinked at him blearily. “Alright?”

Robert nodded. He looked tired, dark shadows under his eyes. “What about you?”

“They said I can probably go home tomorrow,” Aaron said.

Another nod. Robert’s jaw clenched with something he wasn’t saying, his gaze slipping away from Aaron. He swallowed, sucking in his top lip, holding it in his mouth. It made Aaron feel nervous, his hand moving over his other hand, his thumbnail digging into his palm.

“That day,” Robert said, finally looking at Aaron. “When I moved out of the pub, Chas said she wanted me gone because she knew I’d eventually hurt you, and she’d be left to pick up the pieces.”

Aaron sat up, shaking his head. “She shouldn’t have-”

“She was right,” Robert said. “Look at you.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Aaron said, sounding manic even to his own ears. “This is just because…because I bottle stuff up.”

“And what are you bottling up, Aaron?” Robert said.

“You can’t tell someone you love them and then push them away, Robert!” Aaron grated out, his chest shuddering once the words were out. He looked away, embarrassed by the tears in his eyes. He shook his head. “You can’t just _mess_ with someone like that.”

Robert moved from his chair to sit on the edge of the bed, so close that Aaron was forced to look at him. Robert’s gaze seemed laser-like, peeling back every layer and getting to the heart of Aaron. Aaron found it hard to look at him and Robert tilted his head to re-capture his gaze.

“You haven’t even told me you love me. What about my feelings?” Aaron shrugged. “So it’s like that is it? Okay. But do me a favour, will ya? Next time you’re angry, how about you just give me a smack in the face instead of running off like an idiot and trying to cave your skull in?”

Aaron stared at him, wondering why they weren’t kissing, why Robert wasn’t touching him. He asked mournfully, “I don’t understand you.”

Robert shrugged. “You’re not the only one. Look, Aaron...the way I feel about you, I’ve felt nothing like it before. Not with Chrissie. Not with anyone. Believe it or not, it scares me.”

“It scares me too,” Aaron said earnestly. “But…I still want ya.”

“Yeah, because you’re clearly tapped,” Robert said with a grin. It made Aaron smile against his will. Robert reached for Aaron’s hand, holding it firmly in his. “It's just not the right time. That’s all.”

“So what is?” Aaron asked, looking at their joined hands. “How do you know what the right time is?”

“When you know you know,” Robert said frowning at some private thought. Aaron looked up at him, nodding. He wasn’t sure why, but for now he was willing to believe him.

## *

Adam didn’t think much of Robert’s reasoning, making a face like he’d stepped in something disgusting when Aaron shared the details of his conversation with Robert. “You what? What does that even mean? Ugh, that guy does my head in. I’m telling ya, find yourself another bloke. You can do better than that muppet.”

“Yeah, it’s funny how everyone knows what’s best for me except me, innit?” Aaron said, throwing a chip at Adam.

“Listen, mate, even he knows,” Adam said, jerking his head in the direction of Robert who was walking into the pub, he and Chrissie in deep conversation. Aaron felt his whole body stiffen at the sight of them together. “I heard him and Vic talking. She was full on trying to get you two together.”

“Yeah? And?” Aaron said, just a little relieved by the way Chrissie gave Robert an icy ball-shrinking look, receiving an eye-roll in return.

“He said some guff about not rushing it,” Adam said. “Vic reckons it’s because he’s all serious about ya. I reckon it’s because he’s up to something. Getting back in _her_ good books probably.”

Adam was eyeing Chrissie and Robert too. Aaron nodded. “Yeah. Because that’s what straight women want, isn’t it? Their blokes sleeping with other blokes.”

Adam grinned at Aaron. “Mate, she could be into all sorts. We don’t know.”

“What is wrong with you?” Aaron laughed, throwing another chip at Adam, watching his friend getting up to get another round of drinks.

It gave Aaron a moment to take an indulgent look at Robert. He looked good, his confident and arrogant self. Aaron scowled and looked away. What was wrong with him, wanting Robert even at his worst? He kept his gaze to himself after that, concentrating on his food and drink, on Adam’s mindless chatter. But then Adam was leaving and Aaron was getting up, turning and walking right into Robert.

“You alright?” Robert asked, steadying Aaron when he stumbled on his crutches. Aaron swallowed, nodding.

He could see Chrissie leaving, looking stony-faced as usual. He nodded in her direction. “What was all that about?”

“It was Lachlan’s birthday this week. He’s being a handful apparently.”

“And that’s your problem because?”

“Oh no, not my problem. Just my fault apparently. He was perfect before I came along,” Robert said with a smirk. Aaron gave him a look, and then shuffled towards the end of the bar. Robert stopped him with a hand on the arm. “Hey. How are you doing?”

Aaron gave him a nod. “Yeah, alright. Might have to give Debbie and Pete’s wedding a miss though. It’s doing my head in dragging myself around like this.”

“Yeah? Well, let me know if you need some company,” Robert said. “Otherwise it’s accounts at the scrapyard.”

Aaron held back a smile, nodding. “Yeah. Alright. You, um, you coming to Pete’s stag?”

Robert pulled a face, the _I’m too good for that kind of peasant nonsense_ look. “I dunno. We’re not exactly mates.”

Aaron nodded. “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be here. In me cowboy chaps and hat.”

Robert looked Aaron up and down, smirking. “Oh yeah?”

_Yup_, Aaron had said, hopeful.

## *

It was no surprise that Robert hadn’t turned up for the stag. Maybe it was why Aaron had decided to go to the wedding after all. One no show deserved another. Not that it was much of a wedding when Pete and Debbie’s first dance turned into a confession and quick end to the marriage. Adam had disappeared too, but Aaron found him soon enough when he took a walk to the scrapyard.

He looked disheveled, purposefully making his way out of the scrapyard. “I’ve been looking all over for ya. What you doing here?”

Adam shook his head. “I just needed to have a think. About Vanessa. The baby.”

“And?” Aaron asked.

Adam scowled before looking at Aaron. “I dunno. I thought I didn’t care if she just leaves, baby and all. But…that’s my kid, Aaron.”

Aaron watched Adam leave and then at the clouds rumbling above them. He continued on to the portacabin inside which Robert sat in his chair, scowl etched deep across his forehead, his gazed focused on the window and something beyond. It shifted when Aaron walked in and Robert didn’t hide his assessment of Aaron, looking him up and down.

“Nice suit,” he said with a grin. “I take it you went to the wedding.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, pulling a face.

“What? Something happen?” Robert asked, straightening out of his sprawl.

“Looks like Debbie and Ross had a thing,” Aaron said. “Everyone knows about it. There was this recording. Everyone heard it.”

Robert sat back, snorting. “Well, everyone loves a good old public revelation in this village, don’t they? I see your mate skipped the wedding. Found him having a kip outside. Woke up saying all sorts of gibberish. Said he thought the car was on fire.”

“Yeah, his head’s all over the place. He’s gone to talk to Vanessa about the whole baby thing,” Aaron said.

“I know,” Robert said, looking unimpressed. “Can’t believe my sister’s married to that idiot.”

“Oi, that’s my best mate you’re talking about,” Aaron complained.

“And I bet he doesn’t have a bad word to say about me to you, does he?” Aaron couldn’t answer that. Robert let out a laugh. “Yeah. Thought as much. Listen, I’m done here. You want to get a drink or something?”

“Something sounds good,” Aaron said.

Robert stilled for a second, but then the corner of his mouth lifted a little and he said. “How about we start with a drink?”

“Whatever,” Aaron snorted, but fell into step with Robert all the same as they headed out of the scrapyard. Though Robert seemed distracted, turning on his heel and just looking at the place with a frown. “You alright?”

Robert shook his head, frowning. “Just one of those days.”

Aaron nodded. “Right. You’re not making any sense.”

“Shut up,” Robert said, amused smile on his face, the sky shining in his eyes. _When you know you know_, Robert’s words echoed in Aaron’s mind, an absurd comfort.

Robert walked beside him as if he didn’t have a care in the world, like it didn’t matter who might see them and what they might think. He was laughing and chatting, talking about work idiots, and idiots of all other kinds, idiots being a favourite subject of his, and he was making Aaron grin and laugh.

They walked into the pub together, Robert mid-grin, giving Aaron space to maneuver his crutches. Only, there was Katie on one side of the bar, Chas on the other, both of them in deep conversation and still in their get up from the wedding, like almost half of the pub. They both glared daggers at Robert. Robert seemed to take it in his stride, so much so that Aaron wondered how much of a kick he got from being so loathed.

“Well this looks cosy,” Katie said to no one in particular, but definitely in order to rile up Chas. It worked, because Chas looked like she’d just eaten a full sour lemon.

“There a problem?” Aaron asked Katie. Katie held up her hands in surrender, leaving without another word. Not that she had to say anything. The mood had been soured if Robert’s face was anything to go by. Aaron looked at his mum. “What about you?”

“Me? Not at all, love. Pint for you both is it?” she said, switching gears effortlessly.

They spent about an hour of idling before Robert had to leave. He was due a day in Leeds for whatever the hell it was he project managed. Aaron wouldn’t admit it, but whenever the conversation went in that direction, his mind would supply just the right amount of white noise, and he’d take the time to notice the way Robert seemed to have changed fractionally, filling out in all the right ways, looking lean instead of skinny, his hair taking on a life of its own.

Aaron couldn’t remember having wanted Robert as much as he did now, _craving_ him. We should be together, he thought almost constantly, and yet…and yet it seemed strangely okay that they were circling each other at a constant distance, as if something was keeping them apart.

_When you know you know_, Robert had said. _When the time is right_, Aaron told himself.

## *

“You two have been chummy lately,” Chas said, unimpressed by Robert as ever. He’d just left to go to the gents, and Chas was over by their table in a second.

“We’re just mates,” Aaron said, after taking a gulp of his drink. His cast had come off a week ago, so at least he could make a quick exit now if his mum really started to peck his head.

Chas scoffed. “Robert Sugden does not have mates. This is all just a ploy on his part to get you back in his bed.”

“Is that right?” Aaron said with a tight smile. “Well, did you maybe think it might be me who wants _him_?”

Chas’s face fell. She shook her head. “Aaron. Love. He is bad news. If Chrissie hadn’t found about you two, he would have happily married her. He is a liar. A cheat.”

“Mum-”

“No, it’s fine,” Robert said appearing out of nowhere and sidling up to Chas. “Get it all off your chest why don’t you?”

Chas turned on him. “Why can’t you just leave him alone?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, you son doesn’t _want_ to be left alone,” Robert said curtly.

“This you officially coming out then?” And wasn’t that perfect timing on Katie’s part, because there she stood with an amused smile on her face, Andy hovering at her shoulder nervously. Robert had clammed up, turning to face her with a thunderous expression. “I was beginning to wonder.”

“You need to shut your mouth,” Robert said, his body angled and stiff, making Aaron think of a snake about to strike. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Touched a nerve?” Katie asked.

“Katie, will you leave it?” Andy snapped, staring at her in confusion.

Katie shook her head, staring at Andy. “That’s right, because you’ve just let it go. You’ve just decided to forget what he’s done to us.”

“No. Unlike you, he’s actually willing to move on. You’re _pathetic_,” Robert said.

“Rob,” Andy said with a note of warning in his voice. “Leave it yeah?”

“Tell her, not me,” Robert said pointing at Katie. He looked at her and said, “You need to find something better to do with your life. Or maybe...maybe the problem is that you never really got me out of your system, eh?”

“You wish,” Katie scoffed.

“Am I right?” Robert said, going for the strike. “Is that it, Katie? Still got a thing for me?”

Andy moved forward, all square chested and angry, but he needn’t had because Katie moved so fast no one could have anticipated it, shoving Robert with both hands, Andy looking on in shock. Robert stumbled back, unable to retain his balance. Aaron knew what was going to happen when he saw Robert’s left foot twist inwards.

“Robert!” he yelled, moving towards him. 

But Robert’s body twisted as he flailed to upright himself and he tipped forwards head first, his forehead catching the edge of the bar. That probably would have left just a nasty bruise, but then Robert smashed to the ground, hitting the back of his head as he went down. He was out cold, everyone in the bar quiet, looking between him and Katie.

Aaron crouched down next to him. “Robert. _Robert!_ Oh my god.”

“I’ll call an ambulance,” he heard his mum say.

“Rob? Robert, come on, wake up,” Aaron said breathlessly.

Andy had crouched down next to him, his hand on Robert’s shoulder. “Rob.”

Aaron heard a wet gasp and looked up to see Katie who seemed stunned, frozen still as she stared at Robert, the blues of her eyes shining. 

“Robert. Mate, can you hear me?” Andy said softly.

Robert didn’t hear him. He couldn't hear any of them.

## *

Aaron felt the world spin when he heard the word _coma_. He sat on the sofa in the back of the pub, one hand gripping the other, tremors running through him, tears in his eyes. He shrugged off Chas’s arm when it appeared around him.

“Aaron,” she said quietly. “Aaron, _please_. Talk to me.”

He sprang up from where sat. “About what? He’s in a _coma_, Mum! Vic said the doctors aren’t even sure he’ll wake up.”

“This is Robert we’re talking about,” Chas said coolly.

Aaron laughed, shaking his head. “Right.”

Chas looked just slightly guilty. “Sorry. Look…he’s not my favourite person, but it doesn’t mean I’d want something awful to happen to him.”

“No. What you don’t want is for Katie to get in trouble for this,” Aaron said. Chas was watching him carefully. “Yeah, I know she’s been carted off to the police station for questioning. You can tell her, if anything happens to him, I’ll be first down there to tell them what she did.”

Chas stood up, shocked. “Aaron!”

“If he dies-” Aaron said, pointing at Chas, his words sticking in his throat. He let out a sob, shaking his head, his hand dropping to his side. “I don’t know what I’ll do, Mum. He can’t die. He can’t.”

Chas threw her arms around him and held him. He buried his face in her shoulder. He couldn’t this again. He’d lost Jackson. He couldn’t lose Robert too. They’d barely scratched the surface of what they had. There was too much still waiting to happen, a life they hadn’t lived. Aaron wasn’t ready to lose that.

## *

Time seemed to pass agonisingly slow as Robert lay in his hospital bed. Aaron was in and out of the room, enduring Diane’s small talk, keeping Vic company, or sitting by Robert’s side, willing him to wake up. He’d seen Chrissie visit once. He stood outside the room, watching through the window. She’d stood there next to the bed, that stony look softening a little.

He’d felt a pang of jealousy as she reached out and adjusted the hospital gown Robert was in. She’d been his fiance once, it was like she still owned a piece of him, in the way a bit on the side never could have. They bumped into each other in the corridor and she stopped short at the sight of him, before deflating a little, her mouth flattening into a line.

“I don’t suppose you know anything about how he’s doing, do you?”

He shook his head. “Still in a coma.”

She nodded, her mouth working, only to clamp shut. After a moment, she finally said, “He’s resilient. He’ll be up and about in no time, driving everyone up the wall.”

Aaron frowned at her, unsure if she was complaining or comforting him. Chrissie didn’t stop to explain, taking a deep breath, her nostrils flaring a little, before she walked away with her heels echoing down the corridor. He didn’t see her again, just the usual suspects. What did catch him off guard was walking in one afternoon to see Katie standing there at the foot of Robert’s bed, watching him silently.

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asked her, feeling a flare of anger lighting up inside him.

She seemed tired when she turned her head to look at him, pale and drawn, regretful. “I wanted to see how he was.”

“How do you think? You bashed his skull in. He’s in a coma and he might not wake up,” Aaron said.

She shook her head. “I didn’t want this. You have to believe me.”

“Why couldn’t you just leave it?” Aaron asked. “You got what you wanted. Chrissie dumped him and outed him. What more do you want?”

“I wanted him to go,” Katie said tearfully. “I just…I couldn’t get it out of my head, the way he ruined things for me and Andy. We’re finally happy, finally getting somewhere, and he has to come back and dredge up all the past again. I wanted him to just _leave. _I can’t be like Andy. I can’t just forget the past.”

“Right, well, you’ll have plenty of time to think about the bad old days when you’re locked up, because if he doesn’t wake up, that’s what happening,” Aaron said.

“It was an accident,” Katie said. “You know it was.”

“Doesn’t make him be in any less of a coma,” Aaron said.

Katie blew out a breath, nodding. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry.”

Aaron said nothing, avoiding having to look at her. Katie waited for a moment, maybe waiting for him to react, but then she was leaving as if she couldn’t get out quick enough. Robert remained where he was, dead to the world. Aaron stared at him, wishing they’d never been found out. Maybe they could have just carried on the way they were. At least Robert wouldn’t be lying here like this.

## *

Aaron had the worst nightmare imaginable the day before Robert finally decided to wake up. He dreamed he was inside a prison cell, his hands covered in blood. At his feet was Robert, his clothes damp with blood that bloomed from the centre of his chest, like some kind of obscene flower. At the other side of the cell stood Katie, watching Robert with dead eyes. Somewhere behind Aaron, or above, or below, somewhere a clock had been ticking loudly and it stopped, creating a strange silence. In that silence, surrounded by misty dark, he and Robert stood kissing each other with desperation.

Aaron had tears streaming down his face when he woke up to the sound of his alarm. He rushed to the hospital, certain that something terrible had happened. Certain that Robert had slipped away whilst Aaron lay dreaming of him. But he hadn’t. He was sitting there smiling, looking tired as hell, but smiling, Vic and Diane fussing over him. When Aaron appeared in the doorway, Robert swallowed, shifting against the pillows to sit up straighter. He didn’t say anything, but his expression made Vic turn around and see Aaron. She looked a mixture of tired, relieved, spent and happy.

“Why don’t Diane and I go and get us some coffees?” Vic suggested. Aaron gave her a grateful smile, nodding to Diane as they both left. 

He tentatively moved towards the bed, Robert still watching him carefully. Quietly, he said, “Finally woke up then.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. You know me. Not much for lying about. Well, not without good reason.”

“Thought I’d lost ya for a bit,” Aaron murmured. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

Robert’s smile was weak and he skin under his eyes was marred by dark shadows. Aaron would still remember the moment as one where Robert had never looked better.

## *

Robert being Robert was back in the village sooner rather than later, Vic having persuaded him out of the B&B and into her box room. Adam was thrilled, obviously. Aaron bought him a pint, telling him, “Bloke’s been a coma. Why don’t you calm down? You know he could've put Katie right in it if he wanted. As it is she's still walking around like she's the one who's been laid up.”

“Let me tell you why I can't calm down, mate,” Adam said, hilariously serious. “Because I’m thinking he’s gonna be living there until me and Vic are old age pensioners.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, picking up his pint, his gaze drifting to Diane and Doug who came into the pub, all quick steps and serious faces. He could see his mum had noticed it too, her hands faltering as she pulled a pint. 

“Oi oi,” Adam muttered. “Something’s going on there.”

It didn’t take long to find out. Aaron had gone to Vic and Adam’s arriving as Vic was putting her jacket on, looking pink-eyed and upset. Robert was sat on the sofa, staring off into space.

“You alright?” Aaron asked Vic quietly. 

Vic sniffed, zipping up her jacket. “Um. It’s Diane. She’s been to the hospital. I’m going to help her go pack a few things. They want her back tomorrow for surgery.”

“Surgery?”

“Yeah. They think it’s cancer.”

“I’m...I’m so sorry,” Aaron said. 

Vic shook her head, already heading out. “Just stay with him, will ya?”

Aaron nodded to her as she left. He took up a spot on the sofa, Robert sighing and turning to look at him. Aaron reached across to squeeze his knee. “You okay?”

“I’m not the one having surgery,” he said with a shrug.

“She’ll be okay, you know? Diane’s tough she is,” Aaron said. 

Robert seemed to think it over, nodding in agreement. He offered Aaron a small smile, covering the hand on his knee with his own. “Thanks. You know, for being here.”

Aaron nodded. “Well, I’m here as long as you want me.”

Robert’s smile became a little broader. “Yeah?”

Aaron pretended to think about it, but then smiled back, nodding. “Yeah.”

He stayed the night. Robert had said it was late, no point in going back, and Aaron had agreed readily. They lay quietly in bed together, before murmuring their goodnights and falling asleep. The next thing Aaron knew, the sun was rising and he was waking up pressed against Robert’s side, an arm wrapped around his shoulders to keep him close. He had one leg bent over Robert’s, his hand resting on the center of Robert’s chest, palm pressed flat. Robert’s eyes were on him, both their gazes locked. Aaron tipped his head up, moving in for a kiss. The ringing of Robert’s phone cut things short right there, Robert moving away from Aaron, answering the phone.

_When the time’s right, _Aaron told himself. _When the time’s right._

## *

Andy, Vic and Robert had turned up in the pub with identical expressions of relief. Chemotherapy, they said, and then a wait to get the all clear. It had made Aaron’s gut turn in a nervous way. He pushed the feeling aside.

For months he’d felt a heaviness in his chest, as if a dark cloud was following him, sinking down on top of him. He thought he and Robert would finish for good, and the cloud would shift. He thought Robert would die instead of wake from the coma, and the cloud would shift. Something terrible would happen, and finally that cloud would shift. Only, it seemed more on top of him than ever.

“I’ve got to go to New York. Two weeks,” Robert had told him as they sat side by side, downing pints. “Work.”

“Alright for some,” Aaron said tetchily.

“Why don’t you come with me?" Robert asked. "Be nice to get away.”

“Go on holiday with you?" Aaron said. "You ain’t even asked me out properly yet.”

Robert grinned at him. “I meant as mates actually.”

“Nah. You’re alright," Aaron said with a snort and a big gulp of his pint.

Robert turned towards him, mischief in his eyes. “You know, I could be persuaded to sack the rest of the day off, if you like.”

“To do what?” Aaron frowned at him in confusion.

Robert shrugged. “Dunno. We could go out. Spend the day together.”

Aaron laughed. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious,” Robert said, looking _absolutely_ serious. “Make a date of it.”

“Can’t,” Aaron said a moment of thoughtful silence. “Got two deliveries coming in, and Adam’s on a pick up.”

Robert Sugden was asking him out, openly flirting with him as they sat at the bar in The Woolpack. So why was the cloud still looming overhead? It seemed to have shifted right into his chest cavity whilst Robert was away. Maybe it had to do with Robert. Maybe Robert would come back and things would just be the same, both of them circling each other, the distance never closing, the hands of fate holding them apart. Or Robert might find someone else. Maybe he’d try to get back the life he ruined by falling in love with Aaron. 

Or maybe it wouldn’t be Robert. Maybe it would be the result of whatever Katie and Chas seemed to be forever secretly talking about. Aaron would walk into the pub and they’d see him and clam up immediately. Of course they were talking about him. Probably about how to keep him away from Robert. Not that they had to. Robert seemed to be doing that really well all by himself. 

“What’s going on here then?” Aaron asked. Chas looked tentative, but Katie looked happy about something. Nothing she was happy about could possibly be good.

“Bit of good news heading your way probably,” Katie said.

“Moving away, are ya?” Aaron asked her. 

Katie said nothing, looking stung, but Chas snapped, “Aaron!”

Aaron sighed, ignoring them both and heading out back for a brew. He almost mowed down Diane in the process, muttering an apology, unaware that she’d followed him all the way to the kitchen.

“You alright?” he asked.

She looked skittish about something. “Aaron, I was hoping to have a word with you about something.”

“Um. Okay,” he said. 

Whatever it was had to wait though, Vic barging in and asking, “Diane. Marlon said you were looking for me.”

Diane looked between her and Aaron, and then apologetically told him, “I’ll come find you later, pet.”

He shrugged, continuing to make his tea, Diane ushering Vic away, speaking to her in quiet tones. His heart felt aflutter though, panic-fast. Something was up. The dark cloud was crackling inside him. 

## *

Diane was selling her share of the pub. That was the news. That was the dark cloud. Only, it wasn’t too bad, was it? So someone else would buy her share, but the pub was still his home and that wasn’t changing. His mum seemed less thrilled. She was losing a friend and uncertainty lay ahead. 

“Maybe I should buy it,” Robert teased over the phone. “Imagine, the two of us under the same roof. Could be cosy.”

“Shut up.” Aaron laughed, but the idea lit a fire in his belly immediately. Robert swanning about as co-owner of the pub. 

“I’m serious,” Robert said. “If I can raise the cash, could be quite a good investment.”

“Didn’t have you as the type to run a pub,” Aaron said. “Not exactly your sort of thing, is it?”

“No. But, you are,” Robert said. 

“Am I?” he asked Robert, never quiet certain.

“You know you are,” Robert said, his words soft, a secret just for them. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Secrets. Aaron hated holding secrets, and he hated being a secret. 

“If you say so,” Aaron said. He spotted Paddy heading towards him and straightened up. “Listen, I better go. See if I’ve got any loose change lying around for one half of a pub.”

Robert laughed, despite the joke being lame and unfunny. It was a nice sound. A comfort. “Well, good luck with that. I’ll see you in a few days, shall I? Buy a nice tie. I’m gonna treat you.”

Aaron’s face warmed. “Don’t go over the top. I’m not fussed.”

“Yeah, well, I am,” Robert said, overruling him with ease. “You know what? Maybe I’ll pick you up a tie. The less you have to do with the decision-making process, the better.”

“Oi,” Aaron said, not nearly offended enough. Robert’s laughter filtered all the way into his ear down into his lungs, leaving Aaron laughing too. “Alright. Look, see you when you get back, yeah?”

“See ya,” Robert said, just as Paddy arrived and punched Aaron in the arm.

“Ah!” Aaron rubbed his arm as Paddy laughed, pleased with himself. “That was Robert. Almost done in New York.”

“Right. Does he have to be?” Paddy said, nose turned up. Aaron gave him a warning look. Completely unapologetic, Paddy said, “Sorry. He’s just so…bloody shifty.”

“Says he might buy the pub off Diane,” Aaron said.

Paddy looked hilariously appalled. “He wouldn’t. Does Chas know?”

“What do you think?” Aaron said. “You would have heard her shouting all the way to New York if she did. Anyway, I don’t think he’s serious.”

“I hope not. Put me right off my drinks,” Paddy said, pulling a face. Aaron rolled his eyes and shook his head. Paddy let out a giggle that sounded impossible for a man his age and size and Aaron ended up grinning.

Until...a taxi pulled up. A man climbed out and said, “Hello son. Long time no see.”

That cloud inside Aaron’s chest finally shifted and cast its dark shadow.

## *

By the time Robert came back, the shit had already hit the fan. Gordon swanned back into Aaron’s life as if the past was something that had just happened to other people. Maybe it had. Maybe it was all in his mind. No...no, he’d already been there. He’d already asked himself those questions, and he knew what was real. He _knew. _So why was he unraveling?

One touch was all it took during heated words and Aaron had jumped into Ross’s van to go on the rob. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he have just punched Gordon in the mouth? As usual, he had only gone and made things bad for himself, the police questioning him on Christmas Eve about a warehouse robbery. If that wasn’t bad enough, Gordon had decided to give him an alibi. Good old Gordon, trying to make up for past. Poor old Gordon, almost having died from cancer. Why didn’t he just die?

Robert had come back, his texts and phone calls going unanswered. Every time Aaron saw them his heart felt like a sinking stone. But it was Christmas, and he’d be able to give Robert the slip. Aaron would be busy with the usual Dingle do, and Diane had been talking about rounding up her lot for a Christmas dinner. Aaron could imagine Robert would be just as happy as Katie to be sharing a Christmas turkey.

Christmas came and went. Gordon ruined it by turning up, just like he ruined everything else he touched. Chas couldn’t see it. She couldn’t see that Gordon was the problem. No, it was just Aaron being Aaron, being difficult. God if…if he could just go somewhere. Just leave. He would. That feeling was there again, that old feeling from when he lived with his dad. He felt trapped and needed freeing.

That’s when he made the first cut.

The first cut was always the hardest. There was a moment where he knew that if he did it, he might not be able to stop, and the only power he had was to stop right now. It was a struggle. It meant flushing down the toilet all the progress he had made. He thought about going running. That had made a good replacement for cutting. He could run until he bled out all that bad blood. But he knew it wasn’t enough. He needed the relief of the pain, he needed to see the scars. They made…_it_ real and not imagined. He needed to do it so badly he had tears when the blade finally touched his skin.

## *

“Nice legs.” Aaron turned to see Robert looking way too amused. He was dressed in a good suit, but nothing about it was fancy dress. He shrugged and said, “David Beckham.”

“No mate. That’s just a suit,” Aaron said, looking him up and down.

“You got me.” Robert grinned brightly. Aaron smiled, realising that with every passing second, Robert seemed to be making everything better by just being him. He was nodding in Katie and Andy’s direction. “Who are they meant to be then?”

“That dead couple from _Beetlejuice_,” Aaron said, pulling a face.

“Any excuse to get into a wedding get up,” Robert snorted. He moved a little closer to lean against the bar, nodding at Aaron. “So. You going to tell me why you’ve been ignoring my texts, my calls?”

Aaron averted Robert’s gaze, looking into his pint. “Just been busy, that’s all.”

Robert was quiet for a moment, clearly thinking through his line of questioning. “You worried about Diane selling up?”

Aaron offered up a jerky nod. It was better than telling the truth. “Yeah. Me mum’s not happy and I’ve got to hear about it.”

“Well, don’t worry. I’ll make sure Diane doesn’t sell this place to just any idiot,” Robert said migrating closer, his hand on Aaron’s arm.

Aaron stared at him, warmed by the thought that Robert would do this for him, and just a little amused by Robert thinking Diane would do anything other than what Diane wanted to do.

“Listen. I was thinking-”

Robert had moved a little closer, close enough to confide, or share something just for the two of them. He never finished. Debbie had walked in beaming, Ross behind her looking like he’d won the lottery. When she flashed the engagement ring, half of the pub erupted. Robert and Aaron stood side by side, staring.

“Your cousin needs her head checking, she does,” Robert said quietly. Aaron nodded, staring as Ross walked by, winking at them both with an ‘alright lads?’. “On the up side, when you and I get together, he’s gonna make me look like angel.”

Aaron looked at Robert, trying to keep the need and desperation out of his voice when he said, “That’s happening then is it?”

“Yeah. Yeah it is.” Robert turned bodily towards him, smiling and nodding. For a mad moment it looked like Robert might kiss him right here in front of everyone. He was leaning in just so, his head at a slight tilt.

Only his mum had to ruin the moment by grabbing his arm and announcing they were off to cheer up Lisa and tell her the good news. “And you’re coming.”

“Mum-”

“Lisa is family,” she said, cutting him off effectively, before moving away towards the present Dingle clan.

Aaron gave Robert an apologetic look. Robert in turn looked understanding about the whole thing. He scrunched up his face, angling his head in the direction of Vic and Adam’s table, Diane standing close by and animatedly talking at them about something, Doug looking tired and put upon. Andy and Katie were both at the adjoining table, both trying to clamp down on their laughter.

“I should probably see the new year in with my lot,” Robert said. “Now that Vic’s spotted me. I was gonna slip out otherwise.”

Aaron shook his head, wanting to call Robert an idiot. Wanting to suggest they could both maybe slip out, start their own New Year’s tradition. They both stood there quietly and for a bizarre second, Aaron thought he knew that he and Robert were thinking the same thought: _maybe next year will be different._

“Happy new year, Aaron,” Robert told him quietly.

Aaron offered him a small smile. “Happy new year.”

## *

New Year. New attitude. That was the mantra, wasn’t it?

Day one, he thought, he could start again. First by not cutting. Second by showing his mum he wasn’t just taking up space in her life, he had his uses, he cared about her. Maybe he’d even let her make a fuss of his birthday. He could be better. He could try.

Only…Gordon. Gordon ruined everything he touched.

Chas was sneaking around seeing him. His mum had lied to him. This was what Gordon did. He manipulated people towards his own will, and Aaron always ended up looking like the problem. He saw it in his mum’s eyes, when his fist hit the door. She was looking at him like he’d gone mad. She wasn’t to know though, he’d wanted that fist to hit Gordon for coming back and wrecking his life all over again.

He and Chas made their peace, but she didn’t want to see his anger, or his pain. She was right though. He couldn’t go around lashing out, not when Gordon walked around like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. How did a man like that end up with a thug like Aaron for a son, that’s what people would wonder. He knew they would. That’s how it was when he was a kid. The teachers couldn’t understand it. Such good parents, and yet such a problematic child.

He went upstairs and picked up the knife.

## *

He got through the celebrations somehow before sinking down onto a chair in the kitchen, tired of birthdays altogether. He imagined if they’d never got him out of the garage that time he tried off himself, he wouldn’t have to be going through all this, because nothing could make this better. _Nothing._

His skin itched under his clothes, burned. It was coming. That need for release was right there, tapping him on the shoulder, grabbing at him. It was right there, taking his arm and holding it above the burning candles on his birthday cake.

That was the moment Cain walked in.

Aaron managed to fob him off with excuses, but this was Cain. He was no mug. Aaron knew he’d have Cain’s eyes on him. His mum was already watching him as if he was a ticking time bomb. He didn’t need it from Cain too. He spent the remains of his birthday sitting at his desk in the portacabin, imagining all the ways life could have been different.

He should have stayed in France. Adam shouldn’t have found him in the garage, let him die right there. Why couldn’t it have been him instead of Jackson? No. _No. _Why did Gordon have to do what he did? Why couldn’t he have stopped himself? Why couldn’t _he_ have dropped dead before he did what he did to Aaron? Why did it always come down to Aaron? How was it fair?

Aaron took a deep shuddering breath, blew it out slowly. The sound of a car driving into the scrapyard put him on alert. Gordon had turned up at the pub. He could turn up here. Aaron was out of his chair and out of the portacabin, breathing a sigh of relief at seeing Robert climb out of his car, heading towards Aaron with a bemused smile.

“So you haven’t left the country,” Robert said. Aaron frowned. “Been calling you. Not sulking are ya? Being on the right side of twenty-five isn’t exactly something to cry about.”

“Well, you’re ancient, you’re gonna say that,” Aaron said.

Robert looked surprised, laughing the comment off. “Shut up.”

“What you doing here?” Aaron said.

“Was looking for you. Hence the one million phone calls and texts,” Robert said.

“Four missed calls and three texts,” Aaron corrected him.

“Oh, nice. So you have seen them,” Robert said. He dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a neatly wrapped package in purple wrapping paper. Tossing it to Aaron, he said, “Happy birthday. Go on. Open it.”

Aaron scowled at the package, a smile tugging at his mouth. He grinned when he saw the tie, a sapphire blue with discreet patterns that shone when they caught the light. He nodded, smiling at Robert. “You didn’t have to.”

“Well, I did. It’s for our date,” Robert said with a grin.

Aaron smiled, feeling the fabric of the tie between his fingers. Silky soft, expensive. He’d keep this safe. He kept all good memories safe, they were so few and rare.

“Are you okay?” Robert asked, stepping close, brow furrowed by concern. Aaron nodded, unsure of the way the words might sound if they came out. “You sure?”

No. He wasn’t though, was he? He was so far from okay it actually scared him. He’d left Gordon behind. He wasn’t allowed to do this, to come here and ruin everything. Aaron opened his mouth. “Robert…”

“What?” Robert asked softly, his hand settling on Aaron’s arm. “Hey. You you know you can tell me anything.”

Aaron nodded shakily, finding the breath to say it. To say what Gordon did. He opened his mouth just as Robert’s phone rang in his pocket. Aaron could see Robert was willing to let it keep ringing, but the noise was burrowing into Aaron’s head and driving him insane.

“Just get that will ya?” he said, turning away and wiping his hand over his mouth, trying to shove those tremors back into his skin.

“Yeah, great. Thanks, you too,” Robert was saying, rushed and annoyed. “Yeah, I know it. Right. Okay. How’s that might my problem? Oh…you…you’re joking. I just got back from New York. Well, can’t someone else do it? Look…I dunno, okay? I need to think about it. I’ll call you back.”

Robert put his phone away, looking annoyed. Aaron nodded towards the pocket the phone was in. “What?”

Robert shook his head. “Just work. This idiot I work with’s managed to break his leg skiing. He’s supposed to be flying out to Tokyo tomorrow for a product launch.”

“They want you to go do they?” Aaron asked. Robert nodded. Aaron shrugged and said, “So, you should go.”

Robert pulled a face. “I’ve barely seen ya recently.”

Aaron pushed up a tight smile. “Yeah, well, you’ll see me when you get back. Go. Don’t be an idiot.”

Robert sighed, nodding. “It probably wouldn’t do harm to be in the boss’s good books, I suppose. So, you gonna let me buy you a drink, birthday boy?”

Aaron looked back at the tie, smiling and holding it up. “Trying to spoil me or summat?”

Robert’s eyes shifted to the side in thought and a grin broke out on his face. He was holding back on mischievous words, trying to be good, Aaron thought. He settled on, “I can if I like.”

_Don’t go_, Aaron thought quietly, feeling as if he were standing with his back to the edge of a cliff, too weak to withstand the smallest breeze.

## *

It felt too late by the time Robert got back. It felt as if the worst that could happen was happening and likely to happen. Paddy was cheating on Rhona, telling Aaron to keep secrets. How could Paddy be like that? Gordon had made Aaron keep secrets. _No one’ll believe you anyway, son, will they?_ He’d said it so reasonably. So calmly. Aaron was a child. He had just accepted it. Kept the secrets inside him until they turned septic.

As for his mum. It was like she’d forgotten everything. It was if someone had just removed all those memories from her about how it used to be, how they fought like cats and dogs, his mum crying all the time. It was like she’d forgotten that _she_ had left because it got too much. _She_ had left Gordon. Now she was wanting to go back to him? Because he’d almost died of cancer? Good, Aaron thought, he _should_ have died.

## *

He felt like shit. There was a cut on his arm that really hurt, and he felt like he was coming down with something bad. Worse than that though, Gordon was going to buy Diane’s share of the pub and that was that for Aaron and Emmerdale. Robert had been trying to call and text again, but what was the point? What was the point of giving Robert the most broken version of himself?

So he called Ed, who was kind to the point of stupid sometimes. He’d let out a heavy and annoyed sigh over the phone, but grated out a ‘fine’ anyway when Aaron asked if he could go stay. France wasn’t exactly the other side of the world, but it was far away enough from Gordon. He took his bag and passport, went to the portacabin to tie up a few loose ends, and left Adam a note.

Robert being Robert chose that moment to walk in.

“You really need to get that phone looked at,” Robert said as a greeting, before frowning at Aaron. “You alright? You look a bit jumpy.”

“I’m fine,” Aaron said, a strange panicked feeling in his lungs. “What do you want?”

Robert’s eyes widened a little. “Nice to see you too.”

“I’m busy,” Aaron said. He didn’t want Robert here. Didn’t _need_ him here.

“Alright. I _was_ hoping to catch up with you and pick the monthly report at the same time.” Aaron looked around the desk, finding the folder, Robert’s eyes following him the whole time, even after he took the folder from Aaron. “Heard Chas was getting back together with your dad. It’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? Parent’s getting back together.”

“Not mine,” Aaron said.

It was a blur after that. Robert had asked him if he was okay. He followed Aaron to the car, asking him all sorts of questions. It’s too late, Aaron had thought, maybe he’d said it, he didn’t know. He couldn’t tell what words he was keeping in his head, what words were tumbling from his mouth. The car journey could have been hours, could have been minutes. He didn’t know. All he remembered was Robert’s voice. All he remembered was thinking, if he was gonna go, this was probably the best way to go.

## *

“You said your dad did this.”

## *

Robert was like a dog with a bone. Of course he wouldn’t let it go. He was there when Aaron woke up, asking questions again. Imploring, “Let me help.”

He had no idea. Nothing could ever help. Nothing could undo the things that Gordon had did. Talking about it just meant living it again, and he just wanted to forget. He escaped from the hospital the first moment he could, hiding out at Debbie and Ross’s, both of them away on holiday and unlikely to bother him.

That didn’t mean Robert wouldn’t bother him though. He found him. He said, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna end up dead.”

He told Robert he wasn’t worth the hassle. “Don’t say that. You are to me. I love ya.”

Yeah. He’d said that before, hadn’t he? All those months ago. He and Chrissie had been over for months too. Aaron swallowed, looking at him. “You said falling in love with me ruined your life.”

Robert looked down at his hands. “Took me a while to realise it wasn’t much of a life.”

Aaron thought of the tie Robert bought him. He hadn’t packed it in his bag. He couldn’t take it with him. He couldn’t take with him the hope that he and Robert could be anything again. He let that hope tip from his eyes with the rest of his tears.

“What did your dad to you?” Robert asked. “You can trust me, Aaron, it won’t go any further. Please. Nothing’s worth this much pain.”

“He hurt me,” Aaron said, feeling the hurt, razor sharp all the way into his chest. Robert tried to delve further. “Just leave me alone. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

_No one’ll believe you anyway, son, will they?_

“Aaron. Staying quiet just means he’s won. Is that what you want?”

“No,” Aaron said desperately. “I wanna forget it ever happened.”

Robert reached for him and Aaron recoiled from his touch, telling him ‘don’t’. That was that, wasn’t it? Gordon had won. Aaron couldn’t have imagined not wanting Robert’s hands on him. But right now, _right now_, if someone dared to touch him, he’d flay his own skin off. He couldn’t stop the tears, the shaking, or the panic. Robert tried to console him, whatever it was couldn’t be that bad, that was what he was going to say.

Then just like that, the truth was out.

## *

Aaron went back to the hospital as much as to not drop dead as to avoid Robert’s worried gazes. He wanted Robert. Wanted him skin deep. The last thing he needed was for Robert to look at him like some pathetic victim. Nice one, Gordon, killing this thing with Robert before it had even begun.

_Don’t you deserve a chance to be happy?_ Robert had asked him as if the universe worked that way, as if people actually got what was coming to them. If people got what they deserved, cancer would have killed Gordon, not given him enough money to buy Diane’s share of the pub.

Robert found him eventually. Nothing had changed. Diane was selling to Gordon. Aaron was still leaving Emmerdale, no matter what Robert thought he should be doing. He’d stay in hospital, get better, and then get to France. It made no difference that every time Aaron looked, Robert was there by his bed, watching him as if Aaron might still die.

“See he’s left you for five minutes then,” one of the more sour-faced nurses remarked. Aaron scowled at her in question. “Your boyfriend.”

Aaron frowned deeper at that. “What?”

She straightened up and looked a little worried. _That_ kind of hospital then, Aaron thought. “Well, that’s what he told me.”

Aaron mulled it over. “Uh. Yeah. Yeah he is.”

“Oh. It’s like that is it? I know his type. You’re well rid,” she said.

“Thanks,” he said flatly as she gave him a look, did her weird random checks, and squeezed in a withering look in Robert’s direction as he walked in.

“What’s up with her?” Robert asked with a scowl. He’d brought grapes and a magazine, which he plopped down on the space next to Aaron’s thigh.

“She was asking about you. Said you told her you were my boyfriend,” Aaron said, his eyes on the gifts and not Robert.

Robert shrugged. “They wouldn’t tell me anything. I had to say something.”

Aaron frowned at him. He’d been accused of destroying Robert’s life once, his perfect straight and narrow life. And here he was with a car mag and grapes, going around telling people he was Aaron’s boyfriend.

“You want anything else?” Robert asked, pointing to the grapes.

“No,” Aaron murmured. “Just this.”

## *

_I love you_, Robert had said a lifetime ago. For months they moved around each other as if they were caught in a spiral, spinning ever closer, but remaining at a permanent distance. He’d see Robert in the village, the sun shining in his hair and his eyes, their gazes would catch, the world paling around them, spinning. _What are you waiting for?_ Sometimes Aaron asked himself, sometimes he wondered it at Robert.

Gordon ruined it all for a while, mixing up the yearning he felt for Robert with self-loathing. _Who would want me? Who would want this?_

But Robert had told him, “I want you. A lot.”

He wanted it to be different. He said he’d wait. He’d stood by Aaron even when Aaron hadn’t asked him to be there.

“I won’t let you down,” Robert told him the day before Gordon’s hearing. “Whatever happens tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Robert took Aaron’s face into his hands, breathing him in more than kissing him. Time seemed to stop for a moment in which they held each other forever, before the clock starting ticking fresh. Anyone could have walked in and seen them in each other’s arms.

It didn’t matter.


End file.
